17th
Why haven’t I started this before….Oh i wasn’t hurting.
They say inspirations comes from pain. I finally see that. The thing is I’m not crying or i’m not angry. My chest feels as if it’s being torn to pieces while some monster is growling attacking my most cherished organ with all it’s got. What does someone do when something like this happens? Who does someone turn to when they feel this lost and utterly confused with the hand that’s been given? Do they suffer in silence and hope this whatever this is pass? Or should they fight this beast with the last bit of strength and well being they have? What to do? You know what though? Is it worth it is the question I keep asking myself. Is going through with the struggle to conquer this beast worth protecting my caged heart? Is letting this beast rip my chest out a better option? hmmmm I still don’t know what shall happen to me, but ripping out my heart means allowing death to happen. hmmf i faced death in a different format. It’s not as scary as this beast to me. More peaceful at best. Not having to deal with the trivial things this hell of a life seems to bring. I think death though says that giving up on taking over this world is ok for anyone. Giving up on completing the calling that lies inside that beating bloody heart is ok. See for some that option sure as hell is fine. Seems to me most people believe that, but i say fuck that, this life has a monster snarling and growing in strength with the more time you spend in this messed up world clawing at the insides of your chest attempting to take away what is rightfully yours. Fighting it won’t work cause you’ll inevitably lose in my book. But letting it win means your just being a pushover. So back to the question what to do? For me i’m just gonna post this and figure out how to not let this beast tell me what my life is going to be. I’m going to take over this little damned world of ours. I am going to not ignore the hurt this monster is causing, but i’m not going to let it win. I am going to let my heart beat as loud and fast and let it become the beast itself. I would stop fighting a fight that isn’t even there to begin. I’ll stop being the girl that needs that guy even if that guy isn’t THAT guy. It feels good to be wanted, but it feels better to know that your heart is not being bogged down by some demon. Some pretense set forth by these oh so perfect movies that say love is in your heart. Love….Heart….how did that connection even occur? Well, the pain again, and again, and again. Deal with that by not feeling it. It’ll just make you feel like your not worthy of anything, being loved, being happy, being well just being. Funny how one day can make a person write this out without even stopping. Not wanting to stop in case the pain of that monster starts scraping again. You know what i say now though…not to be cliche or anything which is what someone such as myself always wants. that fairytale ending. huh that only happens in fairy tales someone should have told me that a while ago so i wouldn’t be this insane or shall i say obsessed with the idea of having that perfect life…Perfect why is that even a word is perfect even perfect. maybe i should take a lesson from Miley Cyrus…”nobody’s perfect” the pain the heart the monster and being perfect all intertwine and make this whole situation that can be called a broken relationship. With family, with that guy that you want to be THAT guy but will never be but you still hide it from yourself until you feel the pain of actually caring…caring hmmf another issue with this life here. caring can drive a person to do extreme things just to to be cared for in the same way. yeah i feel like this caring love thing is extremely real just not in the sense i feel. feeling…i feel like this is spinning out of control just like i thought i would be if i didn’t or couldn’t have a stable true relationship. but i’ve noticed that that is not meant for someone like me…someone who writes things like this someone who aspires to be great…they can’t find someone that is or even could compare to the greatness that she feels is out there. No wonder some of the greatest women in history stayed unmarried. Men they drive women to do the weirdest and most extreme things at times. enough of that gender construct talk. This basically is a rant of nothing but the way my mind thinks…the way i try to process and figure things at all times…maybe i should be superficial and not care. Than i wouldn’t be this girl. This piece of work that has yet to even begin figuring out she is in this crazed world. Maybe i do know…but i just don’t want to say it. Truth be told i know i just haven’t discovered it. Still stumbling through life moving to fast and searching for whatever comes my way. Always smiling although what I might be thinking could be some twisted work of art that only I would understand. Not saying i’m alone in this situation whatever it is. I’m saying this is crazy. Letting something control or maneuver it’s way to get to my heart my soul my brain my life. heh not happening. it may feel like the claws of a fierce lion is clawing at me right now but it’s just a feeling right. it’s nothing that will last forever. because nothing lasts even if you think something lasts you wish it would you have memories of everlasting things but they aren’t here now. this basically shows that whatever is going on now isn’t even worth feeling or thinking or even writing about. it’s more so to show that hey i have this entire life full of surprises equipped to make my life interesting and not end at happily ever after. yeah i guess i’m finally ready to just enjoy the movies instead of wishing…wishing it to be my life. the brain is complex enough to inhibit thoughts to make them feel real and true almost as if a wish can come true by merely saying it. in some cases sure but in others like finding something no…i believe thats where the inspiration of “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” comes from. well to wrap this inconsistent rant or whatever this is up feeling emotions and living well it is what it is. I should of started this earlier to let people know how insane i am and how these words need to be heard even if your just skimming through this your still kind of getting the gist of something so complex i can’t even make full since of. It’s been this way since i was a child so what i should have done is just write it out and let my own psychobabble be heard and misconstrued to mean whatever you think it means. if you ask me what it means trust me you’ll get an answer of i don’t know. I’m still figuring it out for myself. You can take the journey with me though cause this is my outlet instead of being the naive imbicile instead of the humble cancer survivor instead of some disney obsessed college student or just a regular person, because i knew regular would be different to me i would never know it even if i tried…so hears this and i’m gonna just let it be what it is. mistakes and grammatical errors in all. i had to let it be the way it is because it is the way i am in this moment confused yet i know quiet but shouting thinking but not smiling but frowning. here you go. let me know how crazy i am after this or not even talk to me after seeing this it’s up to you i’m just gonna watch The Social Network to figure out it’s greatness while i post this to facebook in the process.
“Wings are made to fly, not to hide a fragile spine.”
Shantel….the way i never thought i could be. :)
